Magical glow-in-the-dark-turd story as promised to my pal, Paco:
So there I was, surrounded...by other monks. I was just an ordinary American, tobacco-chewing redneck from Mississippi Thai forest monk. I'd been so for the better part of a year. *skips details* One day a group of monks from our monastery returns from a prolonged visit to the head monastery (Wat Pah Pong). I asked the one monk I'd become particularly close friends with, Phra Nah-something-or-other-prong, what he'd learned there. He said that the head monks had told them the following (paraphrased) story:
One night, one of the senior monks saw some strange lights coming from the area where the founder, Ajahn Chah, used to live. (He died 15 or 18 years ago. Whatever.) That area was preserved out of reverence, so he called on a couple of other senior monks and together they went to investigate. Turns out the lights came from the old guy's shitter.
I have to digress for a bit. In religious Buddhism, there's the belief that when an enlightened person is cremated, there are these magical stones left in the ashes. These 'relics' have the magical ability to change shape, color, NUMBER, size, etc. They serve as proof that the deceased master was really enlightened. They probably cure warts, too. (We really need a smiley for the 'air wank'! Mods!?!)
So, it turns out that, according to these senior monks, the old guy's 15~18 y-o TURDS had suddenly become these relics and were shining in order to inform mankind that the old guy was enlightened when he died. It was just a coincidence that such a story would bring more devout followers (read: donors) to the Buddha's path.
I was only semi-gruntled with that monastery and its profoundly-obese-yet-somehow-still-considered-to-be-ascetic Japanese abbot, anyway. They didn't believe in studying, and I'd ordained with the assumption that I'd get to study a lot of philosophy as a monk.
This was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. I turned in my robes a month or so later.
"A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it." ~ H. L. Mencken
"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
"It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of a different opinion."
Bullshit is bullshit, no matter where it comes from. The 'mystique of the exotic Orient' angle sells. Sells bullshit to the gullible. 
Yes, and thanks for asking. I've been wanting to tell this tale over here. I told it ad nauseum at RDF. I'm probably the only one who isn't sick of hearing it. 
I make easy money here, and don't have to work much, but wander-lust is powerful.
) I still value those words. Don't make a risky, life-altering choice unless you feel that it's necessary for your happiness.
