Fuck You, Fernando Torres

[devogue]

I worshipped you, adored you, loved you. I lapped up your comments about coming from the backstreets of Madrid to Liverpool, the only club in the world you would leave your "beloved" Atletico for - all the stories about immersing yourself in the unparalleled history of Liverpool Football Club, of it being your next and last football home, of tattooing YNWA on yourself and your friends. You were the darling of The Kop, we loved you.

But then you began to sulk. And you looked bored. You were lacklustre - perhaps your £110,000 a week wages weren't enough? Perhaps the unquestioning devotion and adoration of 45,000 people at every Anfield game wasn't enough for you. So you asked to leave. And when you finally got your wish last night you couldn't get your fucking face on to ChelseaTV quick enough to come out with this:

"The target for every player is to play for one of the tops clubs in the world and I can do it now, so I'm very happy."

Chelsea? A dodgy Russian's plaything one of the top clubs in the world? A club with four league titles compared to Liverpool's eighteen, with a big fat fucking zero European Cups compared to Liverpool's five, a yo-yo club I watched in 1992 in a dilapidated ground with just 14,000 fans - they're not even one of the top fucking clubs in London. If he had gone to Arsenal or Spurs, clubs with phenomenal fan bases and history I might have understood - even fucking Crystal Palace have more history, community and fanatical fans.

So enjoy yourself Nando - enjoy yourself playing in a half empty stadium on European nights, with fans who are handed scarves to create an atmosphere, and remember the night you signed for them - half a dozen fans stood outside Stamford Bridge while thousands on Merseyside hailed your replacement, Andy Carroll.

Enjoy your extra £65,000 a week wages - perhaps you'll even win a couple of shiny medals down the line. The trouble is, no one will fucking care.

[klr]

I was wondering when you'd get around to this.

And can someone tell me how Andy Carroll is worth 50% more than Luis Suarez? 35 million?

[devogue]

I was wondering when you'd get around to this.

And can someone tell me how Andy Carroll is worth 50% more than Luis Suarez? 35 million?

Carroll has scored 11 in 19 in the Premier league playing for a bunch of shitbags. He has some previous. I think he will be truly awesome.

Suarez has an almost 1:1 ratio in Holland, but then so did Dirk Kuyt.

[Rum]

Who?

[devogue]

Who?

[Rum]

Who?

Thanks. I like to stay up to date with all the trendy stuff you youngsters get up to...

[redunderthebed]

He used to go out on the rob, Torres, Torres. Now he's loving Drogba's nob, Torres, Torres.
He sells his arse for a grand to everyone in the Harding stand. Fernando Torres, Terry's bit on the side.

[Animavore]

Fuck you, Torres!

[klr]

Chelsea v. Liverpool this Sunday could be interesting. What a pity it's not at Anfield.

[devogue]

Brilliant thing ona Liverpool forum about our new £35 million signing, Andy Carroll (a big, hard fucker). My favourites are bolded:


Andy Carroll will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.



There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Andy Carroll allows to live.



Andy Carroll can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.



Andy Carroll is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes



Contrary to popular belief, Andy Carroll cannot fly. He just jumps and chooses when to come down.



Leading hand sanitisers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Andy Carroll can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.



When Andy Carroll does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.



Andy Carroll stared at the sun... the sun went blind.



Andy Carroll doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.



A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Andy Carroll and that you will be handicapped if you park there.



Andy Carroll once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died 


Andy Carroll doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.



When Carroll crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.



Andy Carroll can kill two stones with one bird



Andy Carroll doesn't throw a baseball, it just leaves his hand cowering in fear.



Andy Carroll once entered a black hole just to see what was in it. Dissapointed, he then walked out.


Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Andy Carroll can curve a laser



Andy Carroll can speak braille.



Andy Carroll' shadow stays ten steps behind him in fear of his impending assault.



Andy Carroll can speak Russian... in Chinese.



An eclipse is just the suns attempt to hide from Andy Carroll



Andy Carroll' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Andy Carroll once bowled a perfect game.....with a golf ball

Andy Carroll expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Andy Carroll was alloted his own section of Normandy Beach in 1944, and single-handedly disemboweled over 3,000 Germans using a potato peeler.

There is no chin behind Andy Carroll' beard. There is only another fist.

Andy Carroll' beard is a third degree black belt.

If you find yourself in a dire situation, just ask yourself: "What Would Andy Carroll Do?" Needless to say, you then give up, because you can't do what Andy Carroll does.

Andy Carroll supports your right to bear arms...unless he rips them from your torso.

Andy Carroll is capable of headbutting himself...in the back of his head.

Andy Carroll knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Only Andy Carroll can divide by zero

Andy Carroll is true for all values of killing.

Andy Carroll can find the square root of the color yellow.

Andy Carroll counted to infinity...Twice.

Andy Carroll knows how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Andy Carroll knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

Not a huge lover of nature, Andy Carroll once killed a cloud. (It was shaped like a bunny).

Crop circles are Andy Carroll' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
When Andy Carroll jumps into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Andy Carrolled.

Andy Carroll visited the Virgin Islands. When he left, it was called: the Islands

When Andy Carroll reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.

Andy Carroll never learns. He knows.

Andy Carroll broke the fourth and fifth walls, with his fist!

For Andy Carroll, there is always room at the inn.

Jesus can walk on water. Andy Carroll can swim on land.

Jesus walked on water, but Andy Carroll walked on Jesus

Jesus walked on water, but Andy Carroll invented the boat

Andy Carroll was the fourth wise man. He gave baby Jesus the gift of long flowing locks. Jesus wore them proudly until his dying day. The other three Wise Men, angered by Jesus' favoritism, had Andy Carroll removed from the Bible. The three wise men were later found dead, for mysterious reasons.

Jesus turned water into wine, but Andy Carroll turned wine into beer. Thank you Andy Carroll.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a symbolic reference to Andy Carroll' limbs.

Andy Carroll has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

Andy Carroll does not have skin; instead, he is covered in innumerable tiny fists.

Andy Carroll frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.

Andy Carroll was once bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. After six hours of excruciating pain, the rattlesnake died.

Andy Carroll once walked out onto the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

The band Disturbed used to be called I'm Fine until they saw Andy Carroll.

The Ghostbusters call Andy Carroll.

Who let the dogs out? Andy Carroll let the dogs out. He then promptly kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

Andy Carroll was originally considered for the lead role in 24. But after killing all of the terrorists in not 24 hours, but 24 seconds (he spent 23 cleaning up), the producers decided to go with Kiefer Sutherland.

Andy Carroll can watch "60 Minutes" in 20 seconds.

Andy Carroll once finished an Everlasting Gobstopper.

[Rum]

Actually what gets me is why anyone is surprised when professional footballers do this sort of thing. The word 'professional' is kind of a hint. It is business through and through and loyalty of any kind except short term and expedient seems un-required, unnecessary and actually absent.

It won't happen but if footy was truly local again, with [layers drawn from the town, city or region or at least something akin to that I might regain a bit of interest. As it is, with season tickets you need a mortgage to buy, team strips at 40 quid a throw that the kids 'must have' and players earning 200K a week, it reeks of the worst excesses of international and multi-national business to me.

[redunderthebed]

Actually what gets me is why anyone is surprised when professional footballers do this sort of thing. The word 'professional' is kind of a hint. It is business through and through and loyalty of any kind except short term and expedient seems un-required, unnecessary and actually absent.

It won't happen but if footy was truly local again, with [layers drawn from the town, city or region or at least something akin to that I might regain a bit of interest.

As it is, with season tickets you need a mortgage to buy, team strips at 40 quid a throw that the kids 'must have' and players earning 200K a week, it reeks of the worst excesses of international and multi-national business to me.

Because Rum supporting your team isn't a rational thing its deeply irrational.

It does exist just not in the EPL that said the things that make the EPL shit are creeping down the divisions and the championship is essentially EPL lite.

[redunderthebed]

I was wondering when you'd get around to this.

And can someone tell me how Andy Carroll is worth 50% more than Luis Suarez? 35 million?

Carroll has scored 11 in 19 in the Premier league playing for a bunch of shitbags. He has some previous. I think he will be truly awesome.

Suarez has an almost 1:1 ratio in Holland, but then so did Dirk Kuyt.

Carroll is english and already plays in the EPL that's why.

Suarez is in another league to kuyt scoring goals is just one tool in his armory free kicks passing etc. He has being mercurial for Ajax during his stay and you bastards have got a ready made 20 goal a season player if all things go right for him.

I'm very surprised that any money was spent by liverpool this transfer window.

[devogue]

Actually what gets me is why anyone is surprised when professional footballers do this sort of thing. The word 'professional' is kind of a hint. It is business through and through and loyalty of any kind except short term and expedient seems un-required, unnecessary and actually absent.

It won't happen but if footy was truly local again, with [layers drawn from the town, city or region or at least something akin to that I might regain a bit of interest. As it is, with season tickets you need a mortgage to buy, team strips at 40 quid a throw that the kids 'must have' and players earning 200K a week, it reeks of the worst excesses of international and multi-national business to me.

Fair points, Rum, but the thing that gets me is that the desire to win medals over rides everything else. Now, of course every player wants to win the FA Cup or Champion's League, preferably loads of times over the course of a career, but is that the most important thing? Money is not the issue anymore - top players will be millionaires many times over when they retire, so what is left?

Medals and adulation.

Consider these two players:

Over a phenomenal 20 year career Alan Shearer lit up the English Premiership like no other striker before or since. His medal tally is one Premiership winners medal while at Blackburn Rovers. In 1996 Shearer had a choice - join Manchester United and practically guarantee himself a bagful of winners medals, or join his hometown club, Newcastle United and have a chance to earn the undying adoration of the Geordie nation forever. He chose the latter course and won nothing in the best years of his career, often shining as the glittering diamond in a failing team, but although he has an empty medal drawer he will be loved until the day he dies by hundreds of thousands of Geordies and revered by millions yet to be born because of his incredible goalscoring record. He ended his career as the greatest striker in Newcastle's history, a legend of the game both locally and nationally.

Now consider Michael Owen. The boy wonder at Liverpool, a lethal goalscorer, and one of the best players in the history of the club. He could have enjoyed a spectacular career, and by now he would be entering the twilight of his career at Liverpool as a much loved legend, a great son of the club, and a great star in a galaxy of great stars. He would have had FA Cup and Champion's League success. But no. At the age of 24 he started to fuck about - he tried to run down his contract so he could leave and claim a giant signing on fee in lieu of a transfer fee to Liverpool. But Liverpool refused to play that game and Rafa Benitez shifted him out to Real Madrid. It was clear to see that he was surplus to requirements there, so he angled to get back in to the Premiership - as his old teamates basked in the afterglow of the miracle of Istanbul, Owen signed for Newcastle Utd after Liverpool refused to meet his valuation. He did nothing there for four years before he committed the ultimate footballing crime. He signed for Manchester United, Liverpool's greatest enemy. Instantly, the 2001 Cup treble and everything else he had done at Liverpool meant nothing - his medals were worthless, just as anything he wins at Man Utd will be worthless - tainted by greed, selfishness and an extreme lack of loyalty, nobility and Corinthian ideals. His medals will just be so much metal - no one will care, because even the Man Utd fans don't trust him. He has started six times for Man Utd this season in the premiership, and made one substitute appearance - he needs three more appearances to qualify for a Premiership winner's medal, and I'm sure he's desperate to get a few minutes here and there because it is likely that Man Utd will win the league. How pathetic. Does he really think anyone will care about his stupid medals, especially if they have been won by others? They're just so many pieces of silver. Owen will slink away from the game, despised, unloved, untrusted. So will Torres eventually.

[Rum]

They don't care about love, adoration or medals Dev. They care about the munny. That's the way it has gone.