Manners.

[floppit]

What do you think about manners? How much do they matter? What do they say about people? What about teaching children?

I enjoy them, although I feel very awkward when I realise I've got it wrong. As a teen and a smoker I remember passing the lighter to a much older friend first, she then lit it for my cigarette, I wished I'd done that! I also remember a B&B I stayed in once, I went into the room and put my bag on the bed, the lady told me off and pointed to a strange metal bag holder thing - I thought she was rude but was also bothered by not knowing what should have been done. At work I give lots of effort to my manners because it puts other people at ease, to ring if I'll be a little late, thank people for their time, to ask where they would like me to sit. When I used to waitress it earned me tips and was something really interesting to keep trying to improve. Faced with obnoxious customers I would aim to be relentlessly courteous as a means to protect my self from letting someone else pull my strings, change me by their way of being - it helped big time! As a groom when there were no customers about we all took the piss out of each other but once a (non friend type) customer was there I would again mind my manners carefully.

I teach Munchkin, but I don't go for the quick fix - no waiting for a thankyou before the thing has been done to be thanked for - no holding the chocolate saying "Ta" in a strained way as is the custom round here. I thank her, I say please, I say excuse me to her and as she's learned language she's learned the same. I correct her if she's rude, to shout for something is rude so I remind her to ask nicely, to push is rude so I'll remind her to say 'excuse me' (or 'amove me' as she says!). Her manners get her liked from the playground to the shops, even other kids like it.

I enjoy it, I like it. It doesn't bother me hugely if someone else doesn't, barring the extremes.

[Elessarina]

maketh the man...

I often hold a door open for somene whether male of female, I try to be souteous and polite although sometimes we forget.

After I induct people at work I always thank the guys for their attention (although sometimes they never pay it) and sometimes they all thank me, sometimes they ignore me which gets my goat...

I notice if people say thank you and I notice if people are rude.

One thing that annoys me often is if you are stood at a bar if someone was there before me I always tell the bar person if they come to me first and most time people don't do the same.. but I usually say something tbh.. because it annoys me

[floppit]

I often hold a door open for somene whether male of female,

I HATE this one! Not people doing it just that I seem to always fuck it up! I'm clumsy, hopelessly clumsy, I've lost track of times I've got in the way trying to open a door - even injured people in the process. I watch the scenario begin nervously, the pram, the door, me being there and I know I will have to attempt it - I'm always stood somewhere that makes it nigh on impossible! There was a door at county hall with a long corridor behind it, it used to swing shut and you had to press a button to open it. You'd think it'd be simple, just hold the thing open for the person following - but then, smeg, it makes them run and bloody drop everything!

[PsychoSerenity]

If it's something genuinely helpful like holding a door, then I think it's good - but a lot of what I've been taught were good manners seem to just be quirky traditions of behaviour that serve no real purpose, and then I don't really care either way.

I remember when I was young, insecure and too shy to talk to anyone much, I got shouted at by someone my own age for being, in their words, "extremely rude", because I didn't say 'thank you' to them. I'm still not entirely sure what to think of it - but I'm fairly sure the shouting was worse manners than my original faux pas.

[nellikin]

Requesting something with a please, or thanking when you receive a favour etc. is an acknowledgment that you're rights are not greater than others and that you recognise their help. This is the essence of being polite, to me.

There are, however, some traditions which are quite absurd and yet called manners. At the opening ceremony of the congress I'm attending, the Governor of QLD was the official guest and opener. We were all informed that should was about to enter the hall and requested to stand. Just because she can precede her name with "her excellency" doesn't mean to me that she is better or commands more respect than any other attendees and I find such formal expressions of manners/respect ludicrous.

Another is, as you pointed out Floppit, our views to children. So many people complain about children being loud and active and demand that they are submissive out of respect to others, when they simply have failed to recognise that children have different needs and that it takes a long time to learn self-control. Or they expect their children to listen to them, without taking the time to listen to their children How can we ever expect our children to grow into polite, respectful people if we don't treat them as such. Having said that I must admit that my kids can drive me up the wall. If I ask nicely that they do something (e.g. get dressed in the morning) and repeat my request 3 times politely, I get upset when they are still playing in their PJs without having had brekkie and we're gonna be late for school again...

[Trolldor]

I'm reactionary.

If they wait before trying to go inside then I let them go first.
If they try to push ahead I cut them off.

[Cunt]

I have noticed there needs to be some new ones...around texting (etc)
My daughter was visiting, and texting her pal (who is MY pals son). When we got there, they didn't even say hi to each other. They sat quietly listening to the other conversations and did not say a word to each other. Understandable from their perspective, as they had already said it all by text. However, I think some minor noises (small talk) would have made it seem less weird to the rest of us.

[Trolldor]

It might've been the fact that they were around all of you as well.

[DRSB]

Manners are great, make life easier, but are not always to be trusted as sincere expressions, manners are just that, manners. Just think how many times you've said "thank you" when you would have rather said something else, like "bugger off", for example.

[Cunt]

It might've been the fact that they were around all of you as well.

Well of course that was part of it, and it isn't a big deal. I had just noticed a trend of not exchanging the usual meaningless words when meeting, in their case, and in a few others (sometimes me now that I have thought about it)

To the people who have been texting all along, they already did say hello/how are you/fine and you/ (or whatever their greeting is) but to everyone else, it kind of looks like they weren't speaking.

I think maintaining the hello, how are you /fine thank you (or equivalent) addresses it nicely, but it sure isn't big enough to insist on.

[Bella Fortuna]

The OP seems to be mainly regarding instilling them into children - I think I'm fairly old-fashioned in that regard. I think manners are important, whether it's in teaching kids how to treat others and how to conduct themselves (table manners and the like). It's the old rule about treat others as you would want to be treated, generally speaking.

[nellikin]

I agree with you, Bella, but as a you are bound to know that it's trying and takes patience. I remind my almost 6-year old on a daily basis not to eat with his fingers, but his cutlery skills are still somewhat lacking. He is also clumsy (as I was at his age) so we have constant spills etc. and I have to be fair and know that, with reminding, he will learn and grow out of it - some kids just take longer than others

[Feck]

Manners are great, make life easier, but are not always to be trusted as sincere expressions, manners are just that, manners. Just think how many times you've said "thank you" when you would have rather said something else, like "bugger off", for example.

With the right attitude and inflection "Thank you. " can convey " Fuck off NOW !" quite well .......

[Bella Fortuna]

I agree with you, Bella, but as a you are bound to know that it's trying and takes patience. I remind my almost 6-year old on a daily basis not to eat with his fingers, but his cutlery skills are still somewhat lacking. He is also clumsy (as I was at his age) so we have constant spills etc. and I have to be fair and know that, with reminding, he will learn and grow out of it - some kids just take longer than others

I have spent 11 years telling my son to chew with his mouth closed at every meal, and he still rarely does. I hope someday it'll sink in. It's just one of those things one must persevere at!

[Trolldor]

I'm still trying to teach my dad to eat more slowly and to chew with his mouth closed.


Fucking kids eh?