Favourite Simpsons quotes.

[klr]

Mr Burns: "We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract"

Homer's thoughts: "Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?"

Mr Burns: "And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."

Homer's thoughts: "Wait a minute. Is he coming on to me?"

Mr Burns: "I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?"

Homer's thoughts: "Oh my god!! He is coming on to me!"

Mr Burns: "After all, negotiations make for strange bedfellows." (Winks at Homer)

Homer's thoughts: "Aaaagh!!!"

Homer: "Sorry, Mr Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!"

From the same episode:

"Benefits? Perks? A green cookie on Saint Patrick's Day? Ho ho, it didn't used to be this way, Smithers. No, it didn't used to be this way at all." - Burns

[Feck]

God : Thou hast forsaken My Church!
Homer : Uh, kind-of ... b-but ...
God : But what
Homer : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
God : [pause] Hmm ... You've got a point there.

[Trolldor]

"I'm looking but there aren't any answers!"

[klr]

God : Thou hast forsaken My Church!
Homer : Uh, kind-of ... b-but ...
God : But what
Homer : I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
God : [pause] Hmm ... You've got a point there.

One of the great episodes.

Homer: Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy.

Moe: Pretty slick.

...

"No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail. Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form … pleasing to the eye." - Reverend Lovejoy:

...

Kent Brockman: Fire, man's oldest foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, it's out.

Everyone: <cheering>

Kent Brockman: Coming up next, "Which Work Better: Springy Clothespins or the Other Kind

[klr]

Homer: And what if we pick the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder.

[Feck]

Homer....."Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win. "

[klr]

Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to Evil!

[Link]

Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.

Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.

Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom

Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within organized religion.

Homer: "What're you gonna do? Sick the dogs on me? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?"

[owtth]

Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're "never" going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

[klr]

Lisa: “Doesn’t the Bible say, ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged’?"

Wiggum: “The Bible says a lot of things. Shove her!”

[Beelzebub2]

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

[klr]

Sideshow Bob: Lies, lies, lies, I did it! I did it all! (crowd gasps) There, is that what you wanted, you smarmy little bastards?

Bart: We want the truth!

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! No truth handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!

[devogue]

"Compadres! It is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember - a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya”

Great username.

[Feck]

You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something

[klr]

"We sneaked into the nearby Peabody Museum. There, under the smiling eyes of four stuffed Eskimos, we expressed our love physically ... as was the style at the time." - Burns