"The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

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"The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Nautilidae » Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:22 pm

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Many of you have heard of a book and film series called "Twilight". Most of you write it off as a simple book series. I am here today to tell you that I have the truth.

The series is about a girl named Bella Swan. She meets a vampire named Edward Cullen, and they fall in love. Their adventures and relationship are documented in the book series.

I am here today to tell you that the purpose of this series is not recreation, but total anarchy.

By 2008, Twilight had become extremely popular with teenage girls, the target audience of the series. In November of 2008, a film series began. This is where the plot begins.

I have watched both films in the series. I honestly did not hate them until I discovered the truth. I always found the manor in which the characters on screen spoke; they often spoke with soap opera staccato. During these scenes, I would always cringe or bite my lip. I did not understand why, but I could not stand the manor in which they spoke. I discovered, in horror, why it was that they spoke in this manor and why I disliked it so much.

During the pauses in their speech, weak audio waves are being delivered to the audience. These signals carry hidden messages that aren't interpreted as words by the brain, but are nevertheless interpreted as a message. These signals tell people that Edward Cullen, the vampire, is the only person with whom they should ever have sexual intercourse. The results of this are catastrophic.

You see, the signals have been extremely weak thus far, which explains why girls are still having sexual intercourse. However, by observing the Twilight community, you will see that these audio signals are having an effect. These girls love Edward Cullen due to the doctrine being fed to these girls during the films. During the final two films, the audio waves will be stronger than ever. This will be the final blow. After the last two films, women will no longer have any desire to have sexual intercourse with humans. If there is no sexual intercourse, human reproduction will become a scarce event. The human race will die out with this generation.

Soon, people will begin to realize this. Riots will begin. People will be fighting and panicking in the streets. When chaos rules, people will become weak. They will be willing to listen to anyone that promises some sort of order: a New World Order. Yes, Twilight is the direct product of the Illuminati's ability to formulate plans that no one is able to detect. When chaos breaks out due to the aftermath of "Twilight", the people will gladly let the Illuminati introduce order; the New World Order.

However, I was able to see through the Illuminati's plan. You see, I am an atheist; atheists are immune to dogma, even the dogma that is being fed to young women all over the world through the Twilight films. I was able to find the true intent of the series by studying subliminal messages being sent from the cast members of the Twilight films. For example whenever the actors that play the main characters, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, are asked wether or not they are dating, they always dodge the question. This is used to enhance the realism of the series and thus allow women to absorb the messages more easily.

The disturbing fact that convinced me that all of this was real was the release dates of each film. In 2008, "Twilight was released. The sequel, "New Moon" was released in 2009. The third film in the series, "Eclipse", will be released this year. The final part of the story, "Breaking Dawn", will be split into two films. If the pattern of release is followed, part one will be released in 2011. The final film in the series will be released in the year 2012. This is a sign that the world will not end in 2012. It is an implication that the "end of the world" is misunderstood; in 2012, the end of the world will not occur, but the collapse of society itself will occur.

Stop the spread of Twilight. You are responsible for saving society as we know it. SPREAD THE WORD!

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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:24 pm

Young girls impressed by a character in a movie. That's never happened before.

:panic:
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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Nautilidae » Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:27 pm

Gawdzilla wrote:Young girls impressed by a character in a movie. That's never happened before.

:panic:
Of course not. Everyone knows that, Gawdzilla.

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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:29 pm

Nautilidae wrote:
Gawdzilla wrote:Young girls impressed by a character in a movie. That's never happened before.

:panic:
Of course not. Everyone knows that, Gawdzilla.
So next we strop Occam's Razor.
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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by virphen » Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:36 pm

Well, young girls are the women of the future and women have all the power.

We Illuminati know what we are doing.

2012 is the wrong date though, we don't expect Plan Twilight to produce real results until 2022. Got to let those teen girls grow into their full power.

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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Xamonas Chegwé » Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:37 pm

Seeing as the only people that are likely to watch these films are teenage girls, this means that middle aged women are going to get laid a lot more. I think that you are wrong about the source of this conspiracy - it is not the illuminati - it is Oprah Winfrey!!1!

Kill her NAOW!!1!! KILL EVERYONE!!1!!! :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper:
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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by rachelbean » Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:48 pm

lordpasternack wrote:Yeah - I fuckin' love oppressin' ma wimmin, like I love chowin' on ma bacon and tuggin' on ma ol' cock… ;)
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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Nautilidae » Tue Mar 30, 2010 11:50 pm

Xamonas Chegwé wrote:Seeing as the only people that are likely to watch these films are teenage girls, this means that middle aged women are going to get laid a lot more. I think that you are wrong about the source of this conspiracy - it is not the illuminati - it is Oprah Winfrey!!1!

Kill her NAOW!!1!! KILL EVERYONE!!1!!! :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper: :panic: :hyper:
Good God... It seems that the audio signals are getting to Xamonas. I am too late.

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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Comte de Saint-Germain » Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:04 am

Liked the lead. She looked like she was ovulating in every scene. I wanted to fuck her. Aside from that, I disliked the film. Especially for including Debussy. Bit like associating Bach with Harry Potter.
The original arrogant bastard.
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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Trolldor » Wed Mar 31, 2010 8:14 am

It's not a Conspiracy. The entire thing is just Stephanie Myer's Wet Dream.
No joke. She dreams she's the lead female, that's her fucking motivation.
"The fact is that far more crime and child abuse has been committed by zealots in the name of God, Jesus and Mohammed than has ever been committed in the name of Satan. Many people don't like that statement but few can argue with it."

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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Surendra Darathy » Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:43 pm

rachelsinatra wrote:How Twilight Works: http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight
There's also some things that one can say about someone who devotes that much energy to directing literary criticism at something like that. Or admits to having read 400 pages of it.

That's blogging for you. Decent writing, though. Pity it's not being directed at something more substantial.

Well, patience is advised.

See how snarkiness just breeds more snarkiness? Why did I waste my time today reading "The Oatmeal"?

Oh, it all stinks of pure futility. I'm so ashamed, now. I'm going to kill myself later today. Maybe Jesus can save me.
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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Trolldor » Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:54 pm

lawl.

In depth? The guy basically addressed the first chapter, and the book is the same from thereon. Also, substantial? It's the internet. If he was blogging about anything 'substantial' it'd be armchair activism.
"The fact is that far more crime and child abuse has been committed by zealots in the name of God, Jesus and Mohammed than has ever been committed in the name of Satan. Many people don't like that statement but few can argue with it."

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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Comte de Saint-Germain » Wed Mar 31, 2010 2:17 pm

born-again-atheist wrote:lawl.

In depth? The guy basically addressed the first chapter, and the book is the same from thereon. Also, substantial? It's the internet. If he was blogging about anything 'substantial' it'd be armchair activism.
You just plagiarised that off my 'Why I don't blog' blog. Obviously.
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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Comte de Saint-Germain » Wed Mar 31, 2010 2:18 pm

That's a joke.. :ddpan:
The original arrogant bastard.
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Re: "The Twilight Saga" Conspiracy Theory

Post by Trolldor » Wed Mar 31, 2010 2:39 pm

Cut your hair, you hippie.
"The fact is that far more crime and child abuse has been committed by zealots in the name of God, Jesus and Mohammed than has ever been committed in the name of Satan. Many people don't like that statement but few can argue with it."

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