Islam a religion you don't want to be born into

[...Idle]

I am starting to hate Islam, I was born into Islam, and when I was about 21/22 I decided to grow up and get a life, and I rejected Islam. It was a personal thing, I did not tell anyone in real life, I just admitted it on the internet under the safety of relative anonymity.

Last Night

Last night I decided to go out drinking with my Muslim friends (don't ask why they were drinking) I was already drinking, I had about a quarter of vodka and I had a bright idea to call my Muslim friend (we will call Imran) so I did he invited me to his house, while we were there another Muslim friend call up (we will call him Akmal) now Akmal is the staunch Muslim, no drink, and drugs, but he is a womanizer, me and Imran knew Akmal would not let us drink infront of him, i.e. in his car, so we decided to get drunk before he turns up, so we went to the shop and got a 70cl of Smirnoff and we just drank that like it was water, so Akmel turns up ans picks us up...

About 30 minutes later, some girl texts him sends him a photo image, she is naked with her legs spread and he is showing this image around kind of boasting about it, I was just drunk out of my head, and I remember telling him not to show my shit like that, since it is a cock tease and I don't want that while drunk, since then I want a shag. So he puts his phone away, and decides to park up in some place...

By this time Imran decides fuck this, and goes off the the shop and buys some beer, and Akmel is like drink it outside the car, you can't drink in my car, so we decide to drink the beer and talk about things, it was really cool so we drank about 3 cans of beer really fast, and got back into the car, now at this point I was completely drunk...

Imran and Akmel started talking about Islam, I don't know what happened to me, and I just came out with it, I said something like "Islam is bullshit" it was like dropping a nuke since they thought I was a Muslim, so why the hell would I say that... So Imran started getting violent, saying why the hell did I say that, so I started saying: "sorry, it was supposed to be a joke, I should not have said it" it was all a blur, and at that time we were about to head off home. After that I don't remember much, but I remember when I was near my house, and shook hands with them, and I remember Imran saying in a threatening way that I better keep my phone on in the morning... Now I was drunk I don't know if he said it as a joke or he meant it...

Well today is the next day, I have a hangover and I have extreme depression and anxiety thinking about what happened last night, I am so scared, and I should not have to feel like this just because I want to express my opinion...


This is the second time something along these lines has happened, the first time I was in Pakistan, and I was drinking, and I ended up in a drunken moment telling my wife I don't believe in god. Then the next day I had to deny it all, I was lucky I said it in-front of my wife and no one else, since they would have killed me over there for saying something like this.

I am just typing because I have anxiety and fear and I want to get my mind off that, I feel like hiding somewhere and crying, and hate this stupid comedown, but I enjoy being drunk.

[Pappa]

Shit... that must be pretty crappy having to hide your true beliefs so deeply all the time. It's no wonder you're blurting stuff like that out whilst drunk, you probably want to scream it sometimes.

[Deep Sea Isopod]

Well, Idle err, (I'll call you Dave, to hide your anonymity) Dave. I'm guessing you're in the UK? It sounds to me like you're gonna drop yourself in it one day. Just remember it's YOUR life. If you want out of the Islamic bullshit, sooner is better than later. Can you really keep on knowing you're living the lie?
Can you really keep on getting drunk and having to apologise for speaking your mind?

Give up drinking or give up islam.

Hangovers are for the day after.
Religion is for ever after.


Oh, and welcome to Rationalia, Dave.

[...Idle]

It is really getting to me, I am having a panic attack, it is very bad... I feel like dying, or I need to run away I need to get out of here, I am trapped I wish this feeling would go away, it is all in my head. I am making the situation even worse by thinking about it, I wish my wife was here I hate it when I am alone and feeling like this, I feel like going out for a walk and getting some air, but I am so scared, I am scared about the whole Imran thing. But, now I am starting to think I might have some psychological problems, this this is just irrational, I've not murdered anyone, I can't understand why I am feeling so scared and paranoid, it is absurd, I have a knife next to me, I keep thinking Imran is outside waiting for me to come out, but that thought is so unreasonable... It was nothing serious, I was drunk and I said something stupid, it is not a big deal. I wish my wife was here, I am so scared right now... sorry about this guys, but I really have to write this down I need to be doing something...

I will show this to my doctor once I feel better, I want to die or become unconscious I can't handle this it is just so intense, i can't even eat right now, my wife is not even in this country I am so scared, I feel like withdrawing all my money out of the bank, and getting a ticket and going to Pakistan to my wife, but she will be really pissed off if I do that, since I did that last year. Please I wish it would go away, I've not done anything wrong. Now I can hear noises outside but I can't really tell I don't know it is really is outside or I am hearing things.

I really don't want my mom to come to my house, she will piss me off and make me go more paranoid, she's always crying about something and blaming me for everything, I also don't want my sister to either, I am so scared of them, they make me feel 100 times worse I don't know why they talk to me, right now I just want my wife, but her phones off, I need to put all the curtains on and pretend no one is at home, I can't go to work today, i hate today I wish it was Monday, I hate Friday since everyone goes to the mosque for congregational prayers, and some one will one to invite me or something stupid...

Maybe I should just go to work, then I can get my mind off it, I am feeling so horny and scared at the same time... If I can get myself to work, then I can just hide in my office but I don't know how I am going to get out of the house, someone might see me, someone might even see me on the bus, someone I know.

This feeling will not stop till 11pm or until I speak to Imran, that is worrying me the most, but I don't want to call him and remind him of everything, he might have forgot, I wish he just ends up going to see his girlfriend, I don't even know what they see so great about me that they want to see me all the time... I want to be left alone, or I want to talk to those who I want to talk to, I don't want to talk to those who make me feel worse, now there is way too much activity going on outside, I hate Friday's....

This is so bad. I need to get this thing sorted out.

[...Idle]

Well, Idle err, (I'll call you Dave, to hide your anonymity) Dave. I'm guessing you're in the UK? It sounds to me like you're gonna drop yourself in it one day. Just remember it's YOUR life. If you want out of the Islamic bullshit, sooner is better than later. Can you really keep on knowing you're living the lie?
Can you really keep on getting drunk and having to apologise for speaking your mind?

Give up drinking or give up islam.

Hangovers are for the day after.
Religion is for ever after.


Oh, and welcome to Rationalia, Dave.

I am going to try and cut down on my drinking, once I am a little more independent I am going to tell my family I am an apostate, and I don't care if they disown me and not give me inheritance. But this will all have to happen once I am feeling safe, and once I explain it to my wife.

[Trolldor]

I remember hearing there are some organisations you can contact, UK based, that can help.

[...Idle]

Shit... that must be pretty crappy having to hide your true beliefs so deeply all the time. It's no wonder you're blurting stuff like that out whilst drunk, you probably want to scream it sometimes.

I just want everyone to grow up, they think drinking blessed water is something amazing, it was done years ago, I just want everyone to realize what is going on so they can be free. I wish they would just stop accepting it.

[Trolldor]

Free from what?

[...Idle]

I remember hearing there are some organisations you can contact, UK based, that can help.

I have been to two organizations, and what I found was it was unprofessional since it was a a volunteer thing. One of them I was assigned a psychologist, who was on a placement from university she was like 40 mature student. I was pissed off to be honest, I am not some labrat, for her to advance her career. I needed someone qualified.

My doctor, she is a Hijabi Muslim, I can't even talk to her she never gives me the support I need, she just put me on medication, Citalopram, which was just so bad it made me feel worse... She did not even give a shit, I was suicidal, she puts me on anti-depressants without even checking up on me, I could have killed myself then. Also I did not even feel like me, I had no emotions I have no empathy I was just numb, basically a sociopath, I couldn't even get an erection.

[...Idle]

Free from what?

From being dictated to, and the indoctrination. Since it makes them so racist, I just can't stand it when they try to enforce that stuff on me. I could understand, it they were uneducated, but they are educated.

[JacksSmirkingRevenge]

Sounds like a really horrible position to be in.
Do you know any other 'apostates' you could talk to? Maybe get some encouragement or advise on how they cope?

If I were you I would also think about changing my doctor and tell them the whole story. It doesn't sound to me like your brain chemistry is at fault here. It's the stress of your situation causing you this shit.

Good luck with it all.

[Pappa]

Have you ever heard of the Council of Ex-Muslims of Britain?

http://www.ex-muslim.org.uk/

I don't know a lot about them but they might be able to help you out.

[...Idle]

Sounds like a really horrible position to be in.
Do you know any other 'apostates' you could talk to? Maybe get some encouragement or advise on how they cope?

If I were you I would also think about changing my doctor and tell them the whole story. It doesn't sound to me like your brain chemistry is at fault here. It's the stress of your situation causing you this shit.

Good luck with it all.

Yeah, I speak to apostates mainly on-line. But I find is that they are more in control and more independent, I am very reclusive, and I can't build relationships it takes too much energy out of me. I like in a predominantly a Muslim area, and there are 3 GP surgeries here, and all to my understanding have Muslim doctors.

Moreover, I can't even talk to a male doctor or even a male psychologist. However I am going to check up, to see if I can find professional mental healthy support from the hospital.

[Trolldor]

I'm not trying to insult you, but there's just something doesn't click about your story.
Won't post here anymore.

Edit: To avoid causing problems, I won't post here anymore.

[...Idle]

Have you ever heard of the Council of Ex-Muslims of Britain?

http://www.ex-muslim.org.uk/

I don't know a lot about them but they might be able to help you out.

I know that place very well I've been a member there for years, they know me pretty well, and my drunken antics. I told them to ban me for 4 months since I was having major problems.


*phone*

Hail Motherfucking science. I've just got off the phone speaking to Imran he did not say anything about last night, I was scared about nothing, he just wanted CD. He seemed very nice he did not seem angry... I feel so, so much better I can breath properly now. I am so happy right now. I think I might have Manic Depression, I am really showing the symptoms, I feel like jumping around in my house, that I don't feel under threat, and he was fine with me... He asked me if I would come out and I said no, and he did not even mind, he was very rational about the whole thing, his standing with me has really increased.


Coming back to the council of ex Muslims thing, I only go on the forum, which is kind of more independent then the website, the forum does not have a political agenda, since I know the admins personally over there. But I don't trust Maryam and her band of rabid commies, it is all just a communist front, to give support to fascist parties in Iran like Worker-communist Party of Iran.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worker-com ... ty_of_Iran