Parenting, rewards, and consumerism...

[pErvinalia]

(Not sure where to post this...)

Just talked to my kids and they mention that they are saving up for some fabulous toy each worth like $70 or thereabouts. They are not quite 4 and 6 years old. I asked their mother where they are getting the money from and she's giving them $1 a day as a reward for presumably good behaviour. Money buys happiness or something like that, apparently. What are peoples thoughts on this?

[Bella Fortuna]

Sounds like you are asking about giving/earning allowances in general?

Mine (13) gets $25/month (presumably his father has some arrangement with him too but I've no idea what it is) which I know is far less than his more well-to-do friends get. I consider this money he gets no matter what - not linked to chores and things. I never wanted to tie expected everyday chores to money because I didn't want to give the impression they're optional, because in my house they're not. If he wanted to earn more by doing more things I'd be open to that but he's never suggested (and is generally amenable to helping anyway with a little cajoling). His dad and I also have an arrangement with him to pay half of his $40/month mobile bill, so he often forfeits $20 of that monthly $25 I give to go toward his phone.

I'm happy to treat him when I can to reasonably-priced things when he's done well in school or suchlike, as he never asks for anything (I think out of awareness that our finances are limited).

[pErvinalia]

Yeah, it's effectively an allowance isn't it? I can't say I think it's a good idea or even beneficial to give kids that young (as mine) an allowance. Hell, they are too young to even understand the concept I reckon.

There's a couple of issues here. One is the behavioural thing and the other is the consumerism thing. I'm really worried that she's instilling in them a consumerist ethic. And it kills me to see that. As some of you know I think the world is going straight down the toilet because of issues like gross consumerism and the like. And she KNOWS that's how I feel. She's definitely not the most consumerist person around, but she's got considerably worse since we split up. I really worry what values she is instilling in our kids. But there's nothing I can really do about it. She never listened to me when we were married, and she certainly doesn't listen to me now.

The other issue is the behavioural one. It just seems like an excessive reward for good behaviour. I'm not opposed to her giving them a modest reward system. But she buys them junk food as a "reward" all the time as well. Gahh, i'm getting depressed just talking about this. One positive thing (sort of, if you know what I mean) is that my daughter is having some issues and needs to see a child psychologist. I'm making sure to pressure my wife to mention this reward system she is using to them. Hopefully they will have a good idea on what might or might not be harmful to the kids in the long run.

[Rum]

I agree with your concern about their ages. I think my daughter was about 8 when we started to give her a (small) allowance. I'm not sure why through as I can't quite put my finger on it. Something perhaps to do with not introducing the idea of consumerism and 'desirable' marketed objects too early.

[Bella Fortuna]

Indeed, me too. I think we didn't have a formal arrangement until he was 11 or so. I've always tried to discourage mindless consumerism and have tried to limit exposure to TV and stuff, but mine's of an age now where you can't really control that stuff so I just keep inserting some reality by talking about it. I think it sinks in at some level. With small ones you can start instilling how manipulative advertising is and how useless all the junk out there is in simplistic ways.

[FBM]

When I was growing up, if our behavior was good or at least acceptable, we were allowed to not get beaten that day.

[Thinking Aloud]

Mine (5 and 8) both get 10p per week per year of their age "spending money", so 50p and 80p just now. This isn't enough to go on a spending spree, but it is enough that they can see it add up over a reasonable period of time. They've both chosen to occasionally buy things with it, but they both understand that, if they want something expensive, they have to save: yes, they can take their £2 to the shop and buy a play figure, but if they save it and add it to next week's, £2.50 would get them a set of two figures ... and so on. And they also know that if they save for longer they'll have enough to buy the bigger playset they've been eyeing up.

So while the youngest doesn't really grasp values and money just yet, it's slowly sinking in at least that if you want nice things, you've got to be frugal.

[Rum]

I am just remembering the grip My Little Pony and the like had on my little one at the age of five or so. Not sure if they are allowed to now but at the time they targeted kids very specifically with TV adverts. It was a strong parent indeed who didn't succumb to those bastard marketeers!

So even if your kid didn't have the cash, mom and dad did. Possibly worst as kids then get the idea stuff you want just arrives because you want it badly enough.

[Thinking Aloud]

Heh - we've tried to give them a biased view of TV adverts from a very early age: "They're just trying to make you buy things - usually things you don't need."

[pErvinalia]

Mine (5 and 8) both get 10p per week per year of their age "spending money", so 50p and 80p just now. This isn't enough to go on a spending spree, but it is enough that they can see it add up over a reasonable period of time. They've both chosen to occasionally buy things with it, but they both understand that, if they want something expensive, they have to save: yes, they can take their £2 to the shop and buy a play figure, but if they save it and add it to next week's, £2.50 would get them a set of two figures ... and so on. And they also know that if they save for longer they'll have enough to buy the bigger playset they've been eyeing up.

Yeah, I think this should be the point of an allowance. Not to actually enable them to buy fantastical toys, but to teach them to save and spend frugally. What my ex-wife is doing is ridiculous. $7 a week for a 3 and 5 year old. God, I'm getting more and more upset about this.

[Bella Fortuna]

Heh - we've tried to give them a biased view of TV adverts from a very early age: "They're just trying to make you buy things - usually things you don't need."

Exactly! And stressing the unreality of what's being shown on TV adverts compared to the boring truth of the crap you'll actually get, to show how advertisers try to manipulate you.

[Thinking Aloud]

Mine (5 and 8) both get 10p per week per year of their age "spending money", so 50p and 80p just now. This isn't enough to go on a spending spree, but it is enough that they can see it add up over a reasonable period of time. They've both chosen to occasionally buy things with it, but they both understand that, if they want something expensive, they have to save: yes, they can take their £2 to the shop and buy a play figure, but if they save it and add it to next week's, £2.50 would get them a set of two figures ... and so on. And they also know that if they save for longer they'll have enough to buy the bigger playset they've been eyeing up.

Yeah, I think this should be the point of an allowance. Not to actually enable them to buy fantastical toys, but to teach them to save and spend frugally. What my ex-wife is doing is ridiculous. $7 a week for a 3 and 5 year old. God, I'm getting more and more upset about this.

I was in the toy shop with them the other day, and there was a mum actually getting cross at her 5-year-old daughter who didn't want to pick something to buy. "I've brought you as a treat! If you don't choose what you want quickly we'll go home, and I'll never bring you again." Or words to that effect. Poor kid looked heartbroken.

[pErvinalia]

I hate this world.

[Beatsong]

When I was growing up, if our behavior was good or at least acceptable, we were allowed to not get beaten that day.

[Yorkshire_accent]


You were lucky!!

The most we could hope for was to only have to lick half of road clean wit' tongue!


[/Yorkshire_accent]

[FBM]

When I was growing up, if our behavior was good or at least acceptable, we were allowed to not get beaten that day.

[Yorkshire_accent]


You were lucky!!

The most we could hope for was to only have to lick half of road clean wit' tongue!


[/Yorkshire_accent]

But you try telling the kids today that...