Forum Dynamics and personality clashes.

[CJ]

Does every member here have to like every other member, all the time? I don't think so. In real life I don't like all the people I meet or have to interact with I'm sure that some of the people that meet me don't like me either, it would be ridiculous to think so, I can be a pompous know it all at times. Why is it then that on a forum that sort of dislike can get out of hand? What it is about the nature of forums that causes this sort of crash and burn falling out sometimes?

Any thoughts?

[Kristie]

It's easier to avoid people you have issues with, in real life. On forums, everyone is posting together, commenting on threads, having conversations. Even if the person you don't like isn't commenting directly to you, you still see their posts. In real life, if someone you dislike says something to a friend of yours, you're most likely not going to hear it or hear about it. Forums keep everything right in your face.

[CJ]

It's easier to avoid people you have issues with, in real life. On forums, everyone is posting together, commenting on threads, having conversations. Even if the person you don't like isn't commenting directly to you, you still see their posts. In real life, if someone you dislike says something to a friend of yours, you're most likely not going to hear it or hear about it. Forums keep everything right in your face.

So we have a sort of virtual Big Brother house where one can't really get away from a personality that antagonises one except by leaving and them leaving. The only real alternative here is to ignore one another. In general the nature of the forum looks like it's self selecting for it's membership, but do cultural expectations get in the way sometimes?

[Xamonas Chegwé]

Does every member here have to like every other member, all the time? I don't think so. In real life I don't like all the people I meet or have to interact with I'm sure that some of the people that meet me don't like me either, it would be ridiculous to think so, I can be a pompous know it all at times. Why is it then that on a forum that sort of dislike can get out of hand? What it is about the nature of forums that causes this sort of crash and burn falling out sometimes?

Any thoughts?

There are people here that annoy the fuck out of me but I don't let it bother me. I just avoid those people as much as possible.

However, everyone has certain things which will get them riled up. (The things that annoy me are being wrongly accused, or having my efforts derided by those that are not prepared to make the effort themselves.) And when one of those buttons is pushed, people get angry and post in haste.

Now, if this were the 'real' world, those things said in haste would be to a small audience and would most likely be dismissed as a minor aberration and forgotten quickly. Online though, there is a permanent record and a chance for anyone else with an axe to grind to stick their oar in, mix their metaphors and make hay while the sun shines, making matters far worse.

That's it in a nutshell.

[CJ]

Does every member here have to like every other member, all the time? I don't think so. In real life I don't like all the people I meet or have to interact with I'm sure that some of the people that meet me don't like me either, it would be ridiculous to think so, I can be a pompous know it all at times. Why is it then that on a forum that sort of dislike can get out of hand? What it is about the nature of forums that causes this sort of crash and burn falling out sometimes?

Any thoughts?

There are people here that annoy the fuck out of me but I don't let it bother me. I just avoid those people as much as possible.

However, everyone has certain things which will get them riled up. (The things that annoy me are being wrongly accused, or having my efforts derided by those that are not prepared to make the effort themselves.) And when one of those buttons is pushed, people get angry and post in haste.

Now, if this were the 'real' world, those things said in haste would be to a small audience and would most likely be dismissed as a minor aberration and forgotten quickly. Online though, there is a permanent record and a chance for anyone else with an axe to grind to stick their oar in, mix their metaphors and make hay while the sun shines, making matters far worse.

That's it in a nutshell.

So you ignore and avoid basically?

[Xamonas Chegwé]

Does every member here have to like every other member, all the time? I don't think so. In real life I don't like all the people I meet or have to interact with I'm sure that some of the people that meet me don't like me either, it would be ridiculous to think so, I can be a pompous know it all at times. Why is it then that on a forum that sort of dislike can get out of hand? What it is about the nature of forums that causes this sort of crash and burn falling out sometimes?

Any thoughts?

There are people here that annoy the fuck out of me but I don't let it bother me. I just avoid those people as much as possible.

However, everyone has certain things which will get them riled up. (The things that annoy me are being wrongly accused, or having my efforts derided by those that are not prepared to make the effort themselves.) And when one of those buttons is pushed, people get angry and post in haste.

Now, if this were the 'real' world, those things said in haste would be to a small audience and would most likely be dismissed as a minor aberration and forgotten quickly. Online though, there is a permanent record and a chance for anyone else with an axe to grind to stick their oar in, mix their metaphors and make hay while the sun shines, making matters far worse.

That's it in a nutshell.

So you ignore and avoid basically?

Not entirely. I don't blank them or anything. I just don't go out of my way to engage with them. like work colleagues that you don't like, you still need to work with them.

[CJ]

^^^ So you ignore and avoid as far as you can without appearing impolite?

[klr]

Interesting. I have mulled over this before (sometimes in discussion with others), and I have a different tack.

In real life, there are usually more things to constrain the way people behave towards others. If you have to live or work with someone, then that tends to place limits on how you behave towards them, and vice-versa. On the internet, most of those constraints are removed, and people tend to cross lines a lot more quickly than they normally would in real life. The knowledge that you can just hide/walk away in a way that you mightn't be able to do in RL also plays a part IMHO. I take FIO's point about it about things going in the other direction though - seems to me it can work both ways.

People can also reveal a lot about themselves/behave in a extreme manner, whilst also remaining relatively anonymous and 'safe'. There seems to be something in these environments which brings certain personality traits to the fore (usually of an extreme or atypical nature), and indeed tends to amplify them.

I know I behave differently online compared with RL, but not that differently. I also think I know why that might be, which is the important thing. But then I've never been slow in the self-analysis stakes.

[The Curious Squid]

I'm the same as XC, I've picked up a few people over the past few months that I simply don't have the time of day for and so I usually just ignore them as much as possible. The problem with this is that sometimes I feel childish if someone I dislike asks me something directly and I don't want to respond.

As for what Klr said, I find that most of the people I've met are almost what I thought they'd be and find that their personalities (for the most part) are diluted on-line compared to real life. There are a few occasions where that isn't the case (XC and Bella were both a lot quieter than I thought they'd be in person) but in general it is pretty much "What you see is what you get".

[Xamonas Chegwé]

I'm the same as XC, I've picked up a few people over the past few months that I simply don't have the time of day for and so I usually just ignore them as much as possible. The problem with this is that sometimes I feel childish if someone I dislike asks me something directly and I don't want to respond.

As for what Klr said, I find that most of the people I've met are almost what I thought they'd be and find that their personalities (for the most part) are diluted on-line compared to real life. There are a few occasions where that isn't the case (XC and Bella were both a lot quieter than I thought they'd be in person) but in general it is pretty much "What you see is what you get".

I AM NOT FUCKING QUIET!!!

Some people are exactly themselves online but some deliberately portray an image of themselves. It always amazes me how normal a few of the members can be in PM's compared to their more extreme image in the forums.

And yes, as klr says, there is the degree of safeness as compared to 'real life' but that is only there initially. Once you get involved and open up to a few people, swapping contact details and the like, that quickly fades.

[CJ]

Interesting. I have mulled over this before (sometimes in discussion with others), and I have a different tack.

In real life, there are usually more things to constrain the way people behave towards others. If you have to live or work with someone, then that tends to place limits on how you behave towards them, and vice-versa.

Things like social etiquette and cultural expectations? One also has a broader gamut of non-verbal cues (body language and voice inflection) in RL that give clues to a person's meaning and intent.

On the internet, most of those constraints are removed, and people tend to cross lines a lot more quickly than they normally would in real life.

Agreed. I've seen it happen and done it myself.

The knowledge that you can just hide/walk away in a way that you mightn't be able to do in RL also plays a part IMHO. I take FIO's point about it about things going in the other direction though - seems to me it can work both ways.

I'd agree that the anonymity of the Internet can make one bolder than one would sometimes be in RL. Particularly as it is highly unlikely that there would be physical ramifications of any kind.

People can also reveal a lot about themselves/behave in a extreme manner, whilst also remaining relatively anonymous and 'safe'. There seems to be something in these environments which brings certain personality traits to the fore (usually of an extreme or atypical nature), and indeed tends to amplify them.

Agreed. I have seen it and done it.

I know I behave differently online compared with RL, but not that differently.

Same here. When one meets other forum members they aren't usually too different in personality as they are here, there are exception Ackland for one where I had expected a dower cynical old Scotsman but instead met a warm hearted generous bloke.

I also think I know why that might be, which is the important thing. But then I've never been slow in the self-analysis stakes.

If you feel like sharing I'd love to know.

[klr]

I'm the same as XC, I've picked up a few people over the past few months that I simply don't have the time of day for and so I usually just ignore them as much as possible. The problem with this is that sometimes I feel childish if someone I dislike asks me something directly and I don't want to respond.

As for what Klr said, I find that most of the people I've met are almost what I thought they'd be and find that their personalities (for the most part) are diluted on-line compared to real life. There are a few occasions where that isn't the case (XC and Bella were both a lot quieter than I thought they'd be in person) but in general it is pretty much "What you see is what you get".

Interesting again. I suppose you might be able to reconcile our two views on the grounds that the people who do behave in an exaggerated fashion are a lot easier to spot. In my case, I invested a lot of time as a moderator trying to identify and categorise anyone who looked as if they might have needed watching, so I suppose there's a certain bias there on my part.

[klr]

...
If you feel like sharing I'd love to know.

Two chances: Slim and none, and Slim just left the building with his downtrodden Native American sidekick, riding off into the sunset ...

Actually, in a perverse way, I am sometimes more reserved online than in RL (rather than the reverse), but that's probably because I am acutely concious of not letting people know too much, not even online, where it is very easy to be open if one is not careful. There are things that I will divulge to trusted friends in RL that I would never dream of mentioning online, whilst at the same time I feel safe in saying certain things online that I'd be much, much slower to let slip in RL. The key is letting people only see part of the picture ...

[CJ]

...
If you feel like sharing I'd love to know.

Two chances: Slim and none, and Slim just left the building with his downtrodden Native American sidekick, riding off into the sunset ...

Actually, in a perverse way, I am sometimes more reserved online than in RL (rather than the reverse), but that's probably because I am acutely concious of not letting people know too much, not even online, where it is very easy to be open if one is not careful. There are things that I will divulge to trusted friends in RL that I would never dream of mentioning online, whilst at the same time I feel safe in saying certain things online that I'd be much, much slower to let slip in RL. The key is letting people only see part of the picture ...

Never hurts to ask. And as you say, there are some aspects of my personality that I have never talked about publicly in RL the way I have online. Some people put masks up while online, in many ways I have taken my mask off which has sometimes left me vulnerable but equally has let me get to know some people very well indeed.

Possibly the clash of forum persona's, if they are Real Life PlusTM leads to trigger happy arguments? I now I have said things to people that I wouldn't say in RL and equally been insulted in the same way.

[AshtonBlack]

Interesting discussion!

IIRC, there was a passage in "Shogun" where he explained the cultural necessity of the Japanese people, especially the nobles, to have many "faces". One for public, one for peers, one for lovers, and so on. Online, people naturally either minimise or exaggerate their traits that lie within their personalities.
Of course, this is probably stating the obvious, but with more control, we are able to bend our "output" to what we want people to think we're like in RL. The difference between the "online" face to the "stranger, but I know of him/her from their posts" face is only to be expected.

I for one try to keep the two fairly close. (I'm a lot more hyper in RL, though.)