Women's roles and men's of course!

[floppit]

I'm really curious how alike or different we are, how much impact our location has on our family culture and what people genuinely feel about the role they play or want to play in their families.

I've grown up in a fairly strong matriarchal culture, my mother definitely ruled the roost and all hell broke loose when her church told her not to because I think my father had likewise grown up in a similar environment - trading places was just an unhappy, forced and artificial chaos!

As my parents have got older my role with the older generation (them, my uncle and some of my parents friends) has changed, we're beginning to lose count of how many wills we are supposed to execute! Because my bro has some LD I've always been a little responsible if there's a problem - my Mum passed that to me when I reached the grand age of 6 or so!

In my immediate family I have a fairly traditional role and I don't really begrudge it, I like the extra time it gets me with Munchkin and hubby and I are quite at peace with it 90% of the time. We share decisions but many decisions are mine, most parenting decisions hubby is happy for me to make and is a bit surprised if I ask him, he watches the finances and tells me if we're skint but then it will be me that responds in deciding where we need to cut back. He has more free time than me because I do all of the cooking and 90% of the housework (Yeah - like I do much housework YAK!). Any medical decision is nearly always mine for all humans and animals in the house. I do more work but probably have more autonomy and certainly more influence over family life. Decisions like car buying, house purchasing (well the current house) and haggling prices is all my department. Hubby also comes from quite a northern matriarchal family and we're very comfortable how things are - sometimes there's a switch around if I or he wants there to be but nothing in the way of lasting change.

To me in my little corner of the world the fellas work long hours but stop when they come home and the women are the ones making very human decisions across generations, keeping ties strong and making ends meet with whatever ends are available.

So just curious how would your describe your role and do you feel as though gender has had any impact on it?

[Rum]

I was married for 14 years previous to my current ten year relationship and I think our roles in both cases evolved and accommodated each others personalities and needs. In neither case, I am confident in saying were stereotypes and or social expectations part of how we arrived at who does what.

I was cook (I enjoy it and I am a pretty good cook) in both relationships. In the first I was 'primary carer' for our daughter who is now 20. I took two years off work when she was born. That suited us all round cos I was burnt out from the job I had just had amd my ex wanted to go back to work as a teacher.

In the first relationship I had to do all the planning, bill paying and budgeting cos my ex was bad at that. In my current one my partner is super organised and she does it. I am happy for that to happen.

I iron my stuff, and she irons hers. We clean the house together.

..and so on.

I think if one forgets what is 'expected' in terms of gender roles one soon finds an accommodation which suits both of you.

[floppit]

I think, had I been a falla I'd have fought much harder to buck the trend - I did when I was young, my boss said he'd never teach a girl to break horses but he did. Because my role now is far more stereotypical I do wonder if my gender has influenced it, I care for the animals and people much more easily than when D tries. I think practice and preference play the larger part but as I've slipped into what has gone before it would be bizarre not to wonder.

I don't know what I'd have done if D wanted to be the primary care giver, I'd have had to respect it and I would but the bottom line is I WANT the job!

[JimC]

I am much better at vacuuming and washing floors than Bron, as well as home maintenance, composting and digging over the garden...

She is much better at cooking, bathroom cleaning and household finance management than me...

Vive la difference!

[klr]

I am much better at vacuuming and washing floors than Bron, as well as home maintenance, composting and digging over the garden...

She is much better at cooking, bathroom cleaning and household finance management than me...

Vive la difference!

But who sets the mouse traps?

[floppit]

I would set traps in our house, or not 'pending! If it has eyes and breathes it's my job, if it has wires and buttons it's Hubby's - these things are not swapped with good reason!

[klr]

I would set traps in our house, or not 'pending! If it has eyes and breathes it's my job, if it has wires and buttons it's Hubby's - these things are not swapped with good reason!

I set a mean mousetrap ... right to the last millimetre of sensitivity.

Like Jim, I don't mind hoovering, Nor do I mind washing and drying the dishes and suchlike by hand. Before my mother got a dishwasher, the job that you did not want to get saddled with was drying up after the Christmas dinner. Except that it didn't bother me.

[Animavore]

I grew up in a matriarchal house with a very domineering woman. This has had the effect on me that I absolutely dread the thought of a woman being the main ruler of my household. I just won't have it. I'm the type of person that if a woman tries to get me to do something, if I feel in any way manipulated, I simply won't do it. I refuse to compromise who I am in anyway. I see so many men do this that it saddens me to be honest. When I hear about compromise in relationships it always seems to me that the man is the one who has to compromise. I've seen friends get taken in by women and all of a sudden these women are dressing them, telling them who they want them to hang around with and who they don't or how much they can drink even controlling their money in some cases. I really don't get it. I'd prefer a relationship that was truly equal or even one were I dominate (although I have problems with that too but it's preferable to the opposite). I have never been with a girl who hasn't tried to change me or bossed me around, this is the main reason my relationships tend to be short lived because I grow weary of women very quick.
If it came to decisions like where and how my child is schooled I'd much rather it was me making them, particularly as I would probably end up giving them an education outside of school too. I actually aren't fond of the way my father never got involved in my life and my relationship with him is strained to the point we can barely be in the same room together.
Another thing is that like Rum I'd probably end up cooking because 1) I'm better at it than most women and 2) I could let her be the one who cleans it. If there is one thing I hate doing its cleaning up.

EDIT: "where" for "were"

[floppit]

I don't think it matters as long as both people are essentially free, ie not coerced or bullied. I don't know how people that just aim for equality succeed, not because I think there's anything wrong with it but just because two people will inevitably bring two different skill sets, not to mention I doubt any two people are ever entirely equal on balance. I couldn't imagine that mattering a great deal, maybe because I don't expect any different. For example I'm comfortable that my other half is cleverer than me, he is, he is actually a lot cleverer than me but I don't wake each morning thinking about it any more than I wake think I'm half an inch taller or more socially at ease. I nag him to shave he nags me to do my paperwork - we both feel better for having done it.

the bottom line is we made it this way, neither of us had a 'my way or the highway' attitude and what is now is the product of us, both of us. We piss our pants laughing about 'us', especially when watching 'Last of The Summer Wine' and THAT I think is far more important than being equal in all things or busting a brain cell trying to ensure a perfect equality across a 1000 different things. We'll always be 'that funny couple'.

I don't know, I think all I'm trying to say is that the ideals I once had aren't as good as the reality I have now, and it's been worth the compromises for me because it's been me that's chosen to make them.

[charlou]

I'm not sure why we want to define roles by gender any more than any other superficial criteria. If one is physically and psychologically capable of it, one can do it. If not, one can ask or pay someone who is.

[floppit]

I'm not sure why we want to define roles by gender any more than any other superficial criteria. If one is physically and psychologically capable of it, one can do it. If not, one can ask or pay someone who is.

When I was single, absolutely - what I couldn't do I paid for and gladly, when D was single he ate tinned crap but once two people become partners don't you find something shifts? If I can cook well I wouldn't just cook for myself just because D could get take-out, if my computer breaks D doesn't send me to the repair shop down the road. Independently we paid for what each of us couldn't do but as a couple we only pay for what neither of us can do.

Maybe I should have talked about roles in relationship rather than gender, my best mate and her partner are bot women yet their lives split along similar role divisions, one cooks, the other cleans etc etc. I think gender struck me because while I'd dearly love to say history has no impact on the roles in my relationship - I do kind of look at it and sometimes ask 'Who the feck am I kidding? This is coincidence?' If tradition has dictated the roles I've taken I suppose I'm curious whether it's still ok to feel at peace with them. I suspect it is.

[Russell]

I do the stuff I'm good at, my wife does the stuff she's good at and we both avoid the jobs neither of us like (e.g. ironing). I suppose we are close to being a 'traditional' family. The key thing is that we will both roll our sleeves up and do a job if it needs to be done irrespective of the role assigned to do it by society

[Beatsong]

Mrs Beatsong and I are all over the place with this one.

Partly that's because we've both always been self-employed, with a few ephemeral periods of part time employed work within that. So there's never been any sense of one of us being defined by a 9-5 job. We adjust our own working patterns according to how much we like what we're doing, what kind of money we're each earning, how much money we need, and the need to look after the kids etc.

She likes her job but would be quite happy to give up and be a full time mum. But she earns about twice as much as me, time for time, so it's never made sense for us to do that and try to srape by on my earnings.

I'm a very committed dad and love spending time with the kids, doing stuff with them. Our littlest is only part time at nursery at the moment and most of the rest of the time falls to me, while Mrs B is working. Which is great! I work flexibly from home so can make up my hours in the evenings while kids are asleep etc.

Cooking's probably about 50/50. I'm home more in the afternoons so I end up doing it, but she likes to cook the big meals when we have people over on the weekends. Washing about the same.

However - call me an unreconstructed chauvinist if you like - but I can't ABIDE housework, cleaning and polishing, tidying up blah blah. So most of that falls to her. I do the dishes every night which I can only do by having made it a completely mindless routine, and that's about it. It is a source of some tension - I don't know if it's even a gender issue so much as the fact that I'm a slob by nature and she isn't. (I'm actually perfectly happy when the house is a mess, so I can't see what the big deal is to justify so much continual effort cleaning it).

Generally it all sorts itself out OK.