Child sexual abuse

[nellikin]

I realise this is a highly unpleasant topic, as it deals with such a horrid crime that many people don't like to even think about it. Nevertheless, there was a program on the tele the other night about children being raped in South Africa (where 1 in 2 girls will be raped! in comparison, only 1 in 3 will finish school). Somebody at work asked what we can do about it, and so I sat down and had a think. I wish to share my thoughts with people - especially parents - but realise that this will be confronting for some. I really hope that every parent has, however, the guts to think about this issue and to talk to their children about the possibility of them being raped, as it is so common: here in Oz the stats are that about 1 in 4 girls will be molested (great euphemism for rape of a child) and that about 90 % of perpetrators are from the child's known social circle, usually a relative (uncle, dad, grampa, brother, cousin...), as far as I know.

I'll say this upfront: when I was 12 my stepfather raped me. Horrible. It took me 15 years to be truly free of the guilt I felt, and I suspect I still have trust issues due to it. However, it certainly made me stronger as a person – I am not afraid to speak out the truth, even an unpleasant one, and I’ll always defend my convictions (unless you convince me they are wrong, in which case, I’ll change them).

Now I'm a mum myself, I'm doing everything I can to ensure that my children are safe from this whilst not locking them away from society. Having been through it myself, I've thought a lot about the nature of child rape and have come up with some strategies to prevent my children from ever being in this position. I'd like to share them with you and also invite feedback/discussion and other tips.

To begin with, the worst thing about being raped by my stepfather wasn't the physical abuse, it was the abuse of power. The nature of child/adult relationships is that the power is largely one-sided, and children don't experience that they have many rights nor to have the courage to stand up for these. So my first strategy for protecting my children from abuse is to empower them. I let them know that they are important and that their bodies are their own, not for other people to play with against. They are special and – whilst my children may play freely with themselves – that is not something for other people to do. So I've told my children that if somebody wants to touch them, then they say "No - it's my body don't touch it".

Secondly, perpetrators of child rape often rely on the fact that children will be scared into not telling - they will make a secret of it. "It's our secret - don't tell mummy and daddy" is the classic line. My strategy for countering this is by being open and honest with my children and nurturing a trusting relationship in which they can tell me anything/everything and I will listen to them. It takes a lot of courage to speak out against somebody who wants to abuse you/is abusing you, and children need reassurance that they are listened to and valued, if they are to find that courage. Also, fostering secrets is a form of dishonesty, so a "we have no secrets in this house" policy will hopefully encourage children to speak up if they do find themselves in such a situation. I have told my children that should somebody want to touch them, they should say "I'll tell mummy".

Thirdly, and this might be controversial, I let people who have access to my children within our social circles (mainly other parents) know my story. This has a dual purpose for me – I am hopefully bringing awareness to them that it could happen to their children and that there are ways of minimising the risk. At the same time, I’m also sending out a message that I am aware of the dreadful truths about child sexual abuse and I am protecting my children. “Anybody who abuses my child will have me to deal with” may sound threatening, but I actually think it is a non-accusatory way of letting people know that I am aware of the dangers and take them seriously.

I hope that anyone who has not yet sat down and had a good think about this, in particular any parent, will now do so. I started giving my children these messages when they were toddlers – as soon as they could understand language really (though in an age-appropriate manner), and reinforce them regularly (without going over the top – I don’t want to make them paranoid). You have the power to protect your children and prevent this happening, even if it means having some uncomfortable talks with them. I hope you have the courage to do so.

Oh – and sorry if I’m taking a lecturing tone – I don’t wanna preach, just to educate. If you have anything to add, feel free to.

[JacksSmirkingRevenge]

Bummer. Sorry you went through such an ordeal yourself.
Was the perpetrator ever brought to justice in your case?

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing with your kids.

[nellikin]

Bummer. Sorry you went through such an ordeal yourself.
Was the perpetrator ever brought to justice in your case?

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing with your kids.

No - dad doesn't believe in the justice system (damned libertarian anarchist). It's alright - my stepfather ruined his life more than mine (he lost my mum and his daughter, who was one at the time, so our lives were made tough but he lost something really special through his behaviour) and to be honest, I don't even know what justice is right for such people. My own philosophy is that it would be best to completely isolate them from society - not invest a penny on them - and just focus on the kids. It is a hard thing to recover from and really takes a lot of time and effort to rebuild trust and feelings of self-worth, and to get over the guilt (which is the most ludicrous, irrational thing on earth, but real none-the-less), and there just aren't enough resources to do this.

I'm alright now though - twas long ago.

[maiforpeace]

A powerful story Nellikin. Thanks so much for sharing it.

The information you share can change lives for the better for so many people. It's simple and direct. Any parent who doesn't read this is doing themselves a disservice.

Your courage and bravery is inspirational.

[Ronja]

A powerful story Nellikin. Thanks so much for sharing it.

The information you share can change lives for the better for so many people. It's simple and direct. Any parent who doesn't read this is doing themselves a disservice.

Your courage and bravery is inspirational.

Thanks, Mai, for finding the words I was seeking. Nellikin, I second all of the above!

[charlou]

My personal experience with early childhood sexual abuse is a little different, but I can certainly relate to your story, nellikin, and to your philosophy regarding empowering our children. A side effect of this with my children has been a few occasional issues surrounding a lack of default respect for 'authoritah' at school, which need resolving, but I find the teachers are actually very understanding of where I'm coming from wrt enabling the children to stand up for themselves and the children know that they're fully supported by me, even if my support sometimes includes helping them see where they may not have done the right thing on occasion.

In promoting body awareness and safety, it's important to be careful that the lessons in self protectiveness don't tip over toward sexual repression and cause inhibition problems in the future. Children are developing beings in all ways, including sexual, and they will be adults far longer than they are children ... in our efforts to teach them to protect themselves, we don't want to be ironically responsible for inadvertantly abusing their sexual confidence.

[fordo]

A powerful story Nellikin. Thanks so much for sharing it.

The information you share can change lives for the better for so many people. It's simple and direct. Any parent who doesn't read this is doing themselves a disservice.

Your courage and bravery is inspirational.

[Rum]

In my long and varied career I have worked in and around this issue in many ways. For a while I was a so called 'front line' social worker dealing with cases after they had come to light. For two years I worked in a family therapy clinic often with the wreckage of families trying to deal with these issues and then for a lot of years developing systems in schools for spotting the signs and helping schools set up their internal systems regarding safeguarding and child abuse. It is an area I know a great deal about. Sadly the 'system' often does almost as much damage as the abuse itself, though things have improved in recent years in that regard I would say.

The main think I know about this is this. It is just about the single biggest betrayal a parent can make regarding their child and it is a pretty well unforgivable breech of trust and faith. For a proportion of children who are abused their lives are ruined for good.

[floppit]

Thanks for sharing that Nellikin, it is a good thing not to lock this stuff up in a closet.

With my own daughter she's too young for some of what I hope I'll teach later but at 2 I teach her choices, and I listen to her. She doesn't get to choose everything, not by a long shot, but which brekky cereal she eats, whether she wears a skirt or sometimes which path we take. I know it sounds totally unconnected to abuse but I think it's the beginnings of having a child bale to 'tell' if anything, not just sexual abuse, is upsetting them.

The other thing I refuse to do is teach stranger danger - it's illogical and by even budding laws of reason suggests non strangers are safe and NOTHING could be further from the truth. There's something else too, if she picks up on my seeing the world like that (people I pick for you are safe, strangers are dangerous, I know whether a person is dangerous or not, my knowledge is better than your knowledge, I like good people etc etc etc) then she'd be always more likely to blame herself or be afraid to tell. It sort of sticks in my head that if she felt I believed in all the people I deemed safe then both saying no and telling if saying no didn't work get lots harder.

Instead of stranger danger I tell her (even now) to be careful of secrets, that threats are not good, to ask for help if she's scared, to talk confidently to people - later I'll teach her to avoid those who try to separate her from her social/family group and other things like adult judgement not being all that good sometimes.

I agree with you completely that it's a subject which should be discussed and talked about. Any story that serves to remind that it isn't the boogey man who looks funny but those skilled at not looking funny that commit the vast majority of sex offences against children is good.

[Random Mutant]

here in Oz the stats are that about 1 in 4 girls will be molested (great euphemism for rape of a child)

Nellikin, props to you for raising such an important subject, especially because of your own experience. I think your comments are well reasoned and wise. I just have one question: Is not equating molestation with rape overstating the statistics? Molestation encompasses all sorts of things such as inappropriate touching, possibly verbal abuse, right up to full penetration. In my mind, rape specifically alludes to attempted or actual penetration. In other words, molestation is sexual abuse, whereas rape is sexual assault?

I don't wish to distract from the serious issue of child abuse, but statistics abuse is a too-easy error to make.

I have two sons, both very young. I am not looking forward to having to go through the whole How To Protect Yourself education with them, as sadly I think it is one of the first losses of innocence that a young child can have.

[nellikin]

Thanks for everyone's insight and comments.

Nellikin, props to you for raising such an important subject, especially because of your own experience. I think your comments are well reasoned and wise. I just have one question: Is not equating molestation with rape overstating the statistics? Molestation encompasses all sorts of things such as inappropriate touching, possibly verbal abuse, right up to full penetration. In my mind, rape specifically alludes to attempted or actual penetration. In other words, molestation is sexual abuse, whereas rape is sexual assault?

I don't wish to distract from the serious issue of child abuse, but statistics abuse is a too-easy error to make.

I have two sons, both very young. I am not looking forward to having to go through the whole How To Protect Yourself education with them, as sadly I think it is one of the first losses of innocence that a young child can have.

I actually don't think there is a difference in terms of the harm done whether a child is "touched" or "penetrated". In my case it was the latter, but physically I am - and always was - fine. Emotionally, the real damage comes from the breach of trust and the imbalance of power - and that's what constitutes the rape to me. I think my point was that molestation doesn't sound nearly as bad as rape, and by giving it a not-so-bad name we are taking the horror away from it. It is the same as not talking about it because it's so unpleasant - this only serves to protect the perpetrators.

Re loss of childhood innocence. My parents talked to me about sex, where babies come from, I knew about the fact that people were raped etc. However, they never taught me to protect myself or addressed the topic specifically. And they not directly talking about how these things could ever possibly relate to me - more just talking about things in general terms - led to my "losing my innocence" in the worst possible way. If teaching my kids to take care of themselves (and by this I do not mean sexual repression, merely awareness of danger and how to respond to it) means taking their innocence away from them, well out the window it goes. I am sad about this - not one little bit.

[charlou]

I think my point was that molestation doesn't sound nearly as bad as rape, and by giving it a not-so-bad name we are taking the horror away from it. It is the same as not talking about it because it's so unpleasant - this only serves to protect the perpetrators.

I don't agree that it's the same as not talking about it. I'll go with your word horror, as you used it ... I think we make it more horrific than necessary with this attitude, tbh. Part of healing after sexual abuse is overcoming the horror of it, and this includes talking .. and being heard.

[RESiNATE]

nellikin - I applaud and admire your courage and frankness.

Child abuse is something that I personally cannot forgive on any level. It is, as you rightly said, the single most abusive use of power...and I would add responsibility...that an adult can use. I have spoken to far too many people that have suffered this greatest of injusticies, and have learned a lot of things from those people. I still fail to understand the mind-set of those who perpetrate such actions - and I say this as someone who does try to 'understand' some of the less desirable traits of humanity (if that is what we can label it as).

As I read through your text, I was beginning to worry that you were placing a paranoidal fear upon your children, but thankfully you continued later by saying that you used "an age-appropriate manner".

As Charlou intimated; it is very difficult to find that line between sensible warning and outright 'predjudice' - not everyone is a rapist or murderer. Trust in strangers is something that can only be learnt by experience. All too often we hear stories of people who hold recognised positions of trust and responsibility who then go on to abuse that position.

I was abused by my step-father, but not in a sexual way; that abuse amounted to beatings for no reason - severe beatings. Fortunately, my father has always promoted honesty and I was able to seek his protection...but even then it wasn't until some damage had been done. I try to place myself back in that time, and realise that it was difficult to articulate to him (my father) the horrors that my brother and I were subjected to.

I have two children of my own - two boys - and when I split from their mother I was filled with a very real dread that they too would suffer as I had. When my ex-wife found a new partner, I was alarmed to discover that my boys were being 'disciplined' with a slipper! Not only by the new partner, but by her too! Needless to say, I made it abundantly clear that the practice will stop. I even had to remind their mother of the abuse (similar to that which she was administering) that she suffered and how dare she visit that same terror upon her own children! "How quickly you seem to have forgotten", I told her.

When I see my kids, I simply ask them if they are happy at home. I avoid such questions as "have they been hitting you?", or such like - because I don't want to put words or ideas into their heads. Lets not forget that children can be devious as well. That said, I have always promoted honesty and trust with my children - like Charlou said, "there are no secrets in this house" and I hope that they know - in fact, I know that they know - they can talk to me about anything at all.

I had the 'sex talk' with them not so long ago, as they are of that age now (10 and 12), and I used very frank language. I used the terms that they would come across in life; 'fuck', 'shag', 'cock', 'pussy', etc etc...because if they only know such things in the terms that some parents might use ('twinkle', 'privates', etc) then only confusion will result. Better to use the terminology that everyone else will use. Of course, I also told them about the appropriateness of the use of those words. Many giggles from them at this point - but if it got the message through then I hope I've done well.

I also got a condom and showed them how to put it on (using a deodorant can lol), and described what it's function was - not only to stop babies, but to protect themselves and their partner from STDs.

But more than that; I really wanted to impress upon them the beauty of sex, the joy, and especially the respect that they must show towards, not only to their prospective partner, but to themselves.

Sex is about sharing each others bodies and minds, I told them, and if at any time they, or their partner, felt uncomfortable with what was happening, then they must stop immediately. I told them that having sex should ALWAYS be a two-way street - both people should have fun and feel good about it.

Some people may feel that I have strayed from the point of the OP, but I disagree. If one approaches the discussion from this angle, then the rest should take care of itself.

I have always listened to my children and the questions that they ask me - I believe that by providing an arena where thay can ask questions of any sort, and receive proper attention to those questions, then they will always feel that they can approach me. I also hope that I don't pass on any of my predjudices and convictions - they must still be able to make up their own minds on certain things. I often say to them, "I can only tell you what I know, it is up to you how you use that information - my job is to protect you from the mistakes that I have made, but you will only learn by making your own mistakes."

As it says in my sig - "What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and what you know because they are not of the same kind."

Res...

[Beatsong]

Thanks for everyone's insight and comments.

Nellikin, props to you for raising such an important subject, especially because of your own experience. I think your comments are well reasoned and wise. I just have one question: Is not equating molestation with rape overstating the statistics? Molestation encompasses all sorts of things such as inappropriate touching, possibly verbal abuse, right up to full penetration. In my mind, rape specifically alludes to attempted or actual penetration. In other words, molestation is sexual abuse, whereas rape is sexual assault?

I don't wish to distract from the serious issue of child abuse, but statistics abuse is a too-easy error to make.

I have two sons, both very young. I am not looking forward to having to go through the whole How To Protect Yourself education with them, as sadly I think it is one of the first losses of innocence that a young child can have.

I actually don't think there is a difference in terms of the harm done whether a child is "touched" or "penetrated". In my case it was the latter, but physically I am - and always was - fine. Emotionally, the real damage comes from the breach of trust and the imbalance of power - and that's what constitutes the rape to me. I think my point was that molestation doesn't sound nearly as bad as rape, and by giving it a not-so-bad name we are taking the horror away from it. It is the same as not talking about it because it's so unpleasant - this only serves to protect the perpetrators.

I certainly agree about the abuse of power and trust issue. I was physically (though not sexually) abused by my elder brother throughout my early childhood and it is absolutely the power and injustice issues that scarred me for much of my life, not the physical pain.

But I have to disagree about the names. Rape and molestation have different names because they are different things. The fact that all abuse of children is wrong does not mean that it is all equally wrong. Just as all theft is wrong, but stealing a million pounds is worse then stealing one pound.

Actually I had one experience that would count as "molestation", when I was picked up by a guy who took me back to his place, started chatting me up and stroking my thigh. I suddenly tweaked what was going on, jumped up and shot out of there. It was a scary experience, but I don't think it left any major or long-term problems. I certainly think that if he'd pulled my trousers down and forcibly arse-fucked me, the effect would have been quite different.

Since you started with a statistic that one in four Australian girls get "molested", and then went on to suggest that this is the same thing as being "raped", it's fair to point out that you're wrong. It's not the same thing, and I'm sure the actual number of Australian girls who are "raped" is much smaller than that. This is important because it ties into a major negative effect that the mass media can have on this issue, when they suggest that anyone who ever touched a stranger's bottom is the same as a mass-raping paedophile sociopath.

As for your other points, they make sense to me. It's worth remembering that you, like I and most victims, were abused by someone you knew. So teaching about "stranger danger" can be overdone and actually divert attention from where the real problems lie - in issues of openness, honesty, freedom from sexual guilt etc.

[hiyymer]

I actually don't think there is a difference in terms of the harm done whether a child is "touched" or "penetrated". In my case it was the latter, but physically I am - and always was - fine. Emotionally, the real damage comes from the breach of trust and the imbalance of power - and that's what constitutes the rape to me. I think my point was that molestation doesn't sound nearly as bad as rape, and by giving it a not-so-bad name we are taking the horror away from it. It is the same as not talking about it because it's so unpleasant - this only serves to protect the perpetrators.

I agree. It's the "breach of trust and imbalance of power", and the lack of recognition and validation of feelings. My oldest sister compares my father to the mythological character who ate his children. My brother and I got off easy compared to my sisters. Still you could say that although he only penetrated his daughters, he "raped" us all.