Deliberately based on a certain other document, with all references to Deity removed, just to piss off the Religious Right. If they want a War on Christmas, in order to attack the Left, then they will get one!
Do NOT read this out at your local Mall and post it on YouTube:
DECLARATION OF WAR ON CHRISTMAS
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for a people to dissolve the cultural bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, commercial enterprises are instituted among Men, deriving their just profits from the consent of the consumer, That whenever any Form of commercial enterprise becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new commercial enterprise, laying their foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Wealth and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that an economy long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such economic conditions, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
Such has been the patient sufferance of these Consumers; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Economy. The history of Christmas is a history of repeated waste and profiteering, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Consumers. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
Christmas has plundered our economy, ravaged our environment, burnt our fossil fuels, and destroyed the lives of people abroad, working in sweat-shops.
Christmas has distorted our Trade with all parts of the world.
Christmas has erected a multitude of new businesses, and sent hither swarms of traders to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
Christmas has been used as a weapon to take away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments, in favour of those favoured by the religiously intolerant.
Those same people have excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and have endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of the frontiers of our democracy, the merciless Profiteers, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Festival whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the festival of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Christmas loving brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their enterprises to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold Christmas, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the United Consumers of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the people for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Consumers are, and of Right ought to be Free from commercial exploitation; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to Christmas, and that all cultural connection between them and the so-called Season of Goodwill, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Consumers, they have full Power to make purchases, conclude business, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Consumers may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
