The Real Reason for the Massive Unemployment

[Coito ergo sum]

Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews

WASHINGTON—With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.

According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much.

"This economy will not recover until job candidates learn how to put their best foot forward," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, warning that even a small increase in stuttering among applicants who are asked to describe their weaknesses could cause the entire labor market to collapse. "If we're going to dig ourselves out of this mess, Americans need to stop wearing blue jeans to interviews, even if they're nice blue jeans, and even if that particular office happens to have a relaxed dress code."

"They also need to start bringing extra copies of their resumés, as it will show they are prepared and serious," Solis added. "And, by the way, how hard is it to send a hand-written thank-you note afterward? Anyone can dash off an e-mail."

A federal survey of employers found that nearly half of job-seeking Americans botched their interviews by responding no when asked, "So, do you have any questions for me?" Among candidates strongly qualified to perform the jobs they were applying for, 36 percent didn't bring a notepad or pen to the interview, and 16 percent were thrown off guard when the interviewer broached topics un≠related to work, such as the weather, sports, or personal hobbies.

Twelve percent, employers said, did this kind of nervous throat-clearing thing.

"If applicants would just say yes when asked if they played softball or liked golf, we could add 350,000 jobs to the private sector," Deputy Labor Secretary Seth Harris said. "The fact is, right now, today, approximately a third of the country's manufacturing positions are vacant. Auto plants across the country, especially in Detroit, are sitting there just waiting for people to come in and build cars."

"You may be a qualified candidate, but none of that matters if you walk into that interview lacking confidence," he added. "Don't act too confident, though. And don't joke around too much. And don't be overly friendly or ask too many questions. But be yourself."

The Labor Department confirmed their statistics don't take into account the estimated 20 million citizens who were unable to get interiews in the first place because of formatting errors in their resumés, or cover letters that slightly exceeded one page.

"At this point, hiring someone who doesn't use bulleted lists, strong action verbs, or boldfaced keywords is completely out of the question," said public relations executive Max Werner, who has been looking for office managers and a CFO since 2008. "And if you're going to end your cover letter with 'best wishes' instead of 'sincerely,' I don't care how experienced you are—you won't be working for me."

President Obama, who last week signed a law extending unemployment benefits, said the legislation would also address joblessness by creating a $1.2 billion program aimed at training Americans to use firm but approachable body language to make a great first impression.

"My administration remains fully committed to putting citizens back to work by making sure they show up at least 15 minutes early to their interview and never badmouth a previous boss," said Obama, flanked by unemployed Americans during an address from the White House Rose Garden. "Our new 'Nail the Interview, Score the Job' initiative will help regular Americans like Paul and Tracy here remember that they should prep ahead of time by learning a few things about the company they want to work for."

"And that little things," he continued, "like making sure your socks match, matter.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/report ... owi,17803/

[devogue]

So they're shit at job interviews...so nobody is getting the jobs?

[klr]

So they're shit at job interviews...so nobody is getting the jobs?

Didn't you see the link?

I guessed it without seeing it.

[PsychoSerenity]

What a load of bollocks - oh wait, it's the onion, - hang on, I'll read the rest of it.

[Coito ergo sum]

So they're shit at job interviews...so nobody is getting the jobs?

Yes, absolutely.

There has been a disturbing downward trend, the study showed, in the ability of people to handle job interviews. There has been a tremendous spike in people presenting resumes on regular copy paper instead of watermarked, high-bond, high thread count stationary. Men are forgetting to wear ties, and women are fidgeting in numbers never before seen (not since the Great Depression).

During interviews, people are more nervous and lacking in confidence than ever. The study found a higher degree of submissive and weak body language than ever before measured (for as long as data has been available).

[Pensioner]

So they're shit at job interviews...so nobody is getting the jobs?

Yes, absolutely.

There has been a disturbing downward trend, the study showed, in the ability of people to handle job interviews. There has been a tremendous spike in people presenting resumes on regular copy paper instead of watermarked, high-bond, high thread count stationary. Men are forgetting to wear ties, and women are fidgeting in numbers never before seen (not since the Great Depression).

During interviews, people are more nervous and lacking in confidence than ever. The study found a higher degree of submissive and weak body language than ever before measured (for as long as data has been available).

I agree with you. All you have got to say if 500 folk apply for one job during a down turn the economy is just tell the boss you will work for less than the minimum wage.

[kiki5711]

yea, but if the ones that don't interview well don't get it, then no body gets it? it doesn't make sense. it makes sense that those people don't get the job, but I'm pretty sure there are some that DO pass the interview. I don't think the position stays empty?

[maiforpeace]

So THAT'S the reason.

Well in that case Congress should rescind the last extension of unemployment benefits.

[Coito ergo sum]

yea, but if the ones that don't interview well don't get it, then no body gets it? it doesn't make sense. it makes sense that those people don't get the job, but I'm pretty sure there are some that DO pass the interview. I don't think the position stays empty?

Nope, more jobs end up staying empty, waiting for that "go getter" interview candidate that can articulate where he wants to be in five years, etc. If no candidate is able to deftly handle the the "what is your biggest weakness" question, then companies are deciding, in record numbers, to leave positions unfilled. Businesses can no longer afford to just hire candidates who bumble their way through interviews.

Ten years ago, businesses would take a chance, but now with the anti-business bent of the American government, businesses are reluctant to bring somebody on board, unless they really do have a firm handshake. A fishy, limp grip just won't do anymore.

[Coito ergo sum]

So THAT'S the reason.

Well in that case Congress should rescind the last extension of unemployment benefits.

Didn't you hear Obama's speech today?

He said,

"Make no mistake! I will not rest until until every American is skilled and adept at fielding basic interview questions. For too long, we have allowed our interviewing skills to languish, and become outdated. This is why I am working with Congressional leadership to create a program within the Department of Labor that will make interview training available to every American, regardless of their income. For too long, the poor and the disadvantaged have been botching interviews, while the privileged few have artificially strengthened their handshakes to give employers a false sense of confidence. My administration is, therefore, allocating $50 billion dollars in fiscal year 2011 to solve this problem, which we are declaring has become a matter of national security."

[Ian]

There actually was a "Dress for Success" seminar in my building's auditorium today!

I didn't attend. I already look like a million bucks at work.

[Bella Fortuna]

There actually was a "Dress for Success" seminar in my building's auditorium today!

I didn't attend. I already look like a million bucks at work.

Evidence, please.

[Ian]

There actually was a "Dress for Success" seminar in my building's auditorium today!

I didn't attend. I already look like a million bucks at work.

Evidence, please.

I'll put a picture on my to-do list.
Not tomorrow though. I wear jeans on Fridays. 'Cause I'm a wild man.

[PsychoSerenity]

Ridiculous as the article from the onion obviously is, this, Who Knows Best: Getting a Job, is the second reality/documentary TV program I've seen recently, where "experts" try to "tackle unemployment" by teaching some unemployed people interview techniques! They actually seemed completely oblivious to the fact that getting one individual a job, just means that someone else can't get that job.
Fucking idiots.

[Trolldor]

Apparently "Full Employment" is roughly 5% unemployment...